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Finally FINALLY my battle with TestFlight is over... a build was uploaded. And processed. And is now in Beta Review.
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This took 11 goes because NO ERROR MESSAGES and the last thing I tried was unchecking the bitcode box when exporting from xcode.
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Note: disabling bitcode didn't work. But also this was a completely unscientific strategy because have I mentioned NO ERROR MESSAGES.
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Was dreading opening my computer today because I figured I would need to think of something new to try and I've been out of ideas for days.